I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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