theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
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