The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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