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And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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