seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
