someone threw a dead crab at me
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
