My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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