The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
