I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
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