DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
