I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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