im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Randomize
