the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
