Don't you send me to vm
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
