I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
