I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
Randomize
