Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
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