haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Randomize
