Spring semester is just not the same w/o you
Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
google image searching george stephanopoulos at 1 AM on a saturday night...once again
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Randomize
