Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
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