when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Randomize
