you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
