***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
i love accidental penises.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Randomize
