The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Randomize
