He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
