you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Randomize
