My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
