So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
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