five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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