I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
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