My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Randomize
