I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Randomize
