Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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