I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
