i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
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