Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
I have fence marks all over my body
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Randomize
