My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
i love accidental penises.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Randomize
