You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
