I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Randomize
