Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
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