Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
