if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
