My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Randomize
