Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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