girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Randomize
