Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
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