oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
