Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Randomize
