last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
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