worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
