my phone needs a breathalizer
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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