No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Randomize
